Sonder Productions

Something Different

The Irrationality of Fear

My Dad saved a lot of money.

When he lost his job during the 2008 banking crisis my family was fine.

I feel blessed that looking back the only thing that changed during that tumultuous time was my Dad was around the house more often and not happy about it.

And yet, as a freelance accountant today, if my Dad loses jobs or completes jobs, he shuffles around the house on the verge of a panic attack.

He has more money saved than he ever has and no serious financial hardship has ever befallen my parents. But those facts do not abate his anxiety.

For years, this contradiction was lost on me. How can someone be afraid of something that has never happened before?

Today, I got my answer.

I was walking through the lobby of my job and saw a beautiful tall blonde in a black sweater and black capris.

I don’t know this woman or spoken to her, but I have seen her around. She’s one of the greeters in our building and often waves to the various people walking in.

I think she’s beautiful but never really had the opportunity to strike up a conversation. Someone has always been talking to her or I was in a rush to get to work. But that night I did. She was walking alongside me in the lobby and I thought to myself why I don’t I say hi? I felt a lump rise in my stomach and I quickly walked the other direction, away from the possible conversation.

I am generally relaxed, comfortable, and a great conversationalist. And even though my dating history is almost non-existent women do like and enjoy talking to me.

None of that mattered.

When I got the chance to talk to this pretty girl, the one I’d wanted to talk to for awhile, I had no words. I was afraid, probably of rejection; and that fear decided my next move. No matter how much logic we throw into the mix, the emotional response is often more powerful.

The limbic system almost always decides our eventual actions even if our life experiences refute our feelings. This fascinates me. Do all the nonsensical things that we do derive from powerful emotions greasing our wheels? No matter how much sense something makes we’re still capable of doing the opposite?

I briefly thought about what I could do next. The next time I see this girl, I’ll say hi. Or if she is talking to someone, I’ll just wave. Conquer a little bit of my trepidation at a time. Make it so easy so I can’t help but do it. Perhaps a molehill is a good way to start rather than a mountain.

But I won’t forget this. I find contradiction at the core of my interest in storytelling and human dynamics. Conflict is there, confusion is there, and often if I look hard enough- meaning.

Irrationality is at the heart of fear. And I wonder if it’s also at the heart of our human experience.

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Mary Had A Little Lamb

Its fleece was white with snow

And everywhere Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

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The Benefits of Others

My therapist once told me a story.

He used to travel around the country giving talks about the psychological causes of weight gain.

A woman asked him what the number one reason people put on weight is.

“Connection,” he said. “The lack of it.”

My therapist told me a lot of stories. Most of which I wouldn’t understand until many sessions and years later.

But this one always stuck with me. The memory triggered by a regular zoom meetup with my writing group the other day.

The leader of the group asked me how I was and being honest, told her it’d been a trying day.
Sometimes the quarantine gets to me.

She affirmed my struggles and responded with her own. How 2020 was a complete blur for her.
I went on about the beginnings of my own Covid experience. How I packed up and left NYC almost immediately when my Dad and sister drove through.

Those days and nights after in Boston and Upper New York where my Dad and sister fretted over whether we get Covid or be able to fly home at all while checking out law schools. (My sister wants to be a lawyer).

Another zoom rectangle popped in, the conversation shifted and I felt a sense of relief.

A few days had gone by since I spoke to anyone and no matter how much I accomplish, games played or books read the lack of human interaction gets to me.

I still remember the messages from my acting friends struggling after only a few weeks of this Covid horror. One smoked weed every few hours just to stay sane.

So tonight was another reminder to me why connection is important and should be cherished. Whether that be through family, friends, meetup groups etc.

Even if of a part of me would sometimes rather not make the effort at all.

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Can A Lie Become Reality?

While playing a first-person shooter I came to an impasse. My squad faced an enormous amount of soldiers over a ridge and odds were against us getting out alive.

I ended up using a guided missile system or as the character in the game put it, “white phosphorus munitions” to take out our foes.

The end result looked great at that moment. My enemies were decimated by my attack and my squad walked away completely unscathed.

Or so I thought.

Turns out, our enemy was escorting civilians to safety and along with killing all the enemy soldiers, I’d also inadvertently killed all the civilians as well.

One of the most jaw-dropping moments in all my years of playing video games. To see all the dead men, women, and children and think, “what a horrible thing I’ve done.”

It was the definition of good intentions paving the way to hell and captured the horrors of war in a way most video games would never want to impart.

The rest of the story is about the fallout. How my character and squad begin to lose their minds and ultimately no longer see fact from fiction and in the game’s finale you realize that the character you played hallucinated ninety percent of what had happened in the game.

It’s an audacious story that struggles a lot of the time, but when the game is strong really knocks it out of the park.

Can are our lies become a life of their own? In order for my character to cope, he had to blame a man and circumstances, many of which were in his head to keep himself going.

Though his situation was pretty unique. He was fighting through a warzone with survival being the only real priority, making his lie perhaps more important. It was keeping him focused and alive.

In life, we don’t always live in warzones or places where one aspect of our lives can dominate all else. Maybe that makes lies easier. We juggle so much in our lives.

Family, friends, work, bills, etc. things that could make lying insidiously more attractive and give us the allure of an easier way out.

Because even on our best days, life can demand a lot of us.

I don’t know the answer for reality but in the world of Arcane, it could be a fun idea to explore.

A person so distraught or overwhelmed by their choices or the world around them that they have to cope in the most fantastical way possible Creating a lie with just enough truth that it takes on a life of its own.

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Past & Present

Arcane 5 is here!

 

We were blessed yet again with a wonderful cast of talented actors along with music and sound from our go-to music guy Circletone.

 

We couldn’t have done it without them.

 

This episode is about a question; Am I dreaming or remembering?

 

And more importantly… how can you tell?

 

Enjoy!

Lindsey Marie Wilson as Clare

Khaya Fraites as Leah

Kelli Lindsay as Dr. April

Jacob Lisek as Ken

Jacob Quinn as The Man With No Name

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